Three Wishes Chardonnay, Merlot, Cabernet

Abstract:

I live on the East Coast, in a state still riddled with puritanical laws that forbid my local Trader Joe's from selling Two Buck Chuck. (It is also technically illegal to take a shower on a Sunday here, as this offends God on what is supposed to be a day of rest, not vigorous cleansing). Anyway, imagine my glee when I discovered that Wholefoods has introduced its own version of the famous Charles Shaw, for the grape-mazing price of only $2.99.  (It's only $1.99 in California, but that's a given).  I happened to have a 10 spot in my pocket, so I got all three.

There isn't much promised here, except that it is actually made with fermented grapes, grown  somewhere in California, USA, and the bottle is a smidge lighter than regular wine bottle, improving our environment and my pervasive ecological guilt immensely. 

Finding This Wine:

If you shop at Wholefoods, and you enter the store through the door, then you can't miss this wine.  They had several dozen cases displayed by the main entrance, with happy, crafty chalk board signs proclaiming this amazing value. If this were a Sam's Club or Costco, I'm sure there would be some hand trucks nearby, so you could roll away with a pallet or two of the stuff.

Tasting Notes:

Chardonnay

Deeply and mysteriously yellow, this wine is incredibly complex, unsophisticated, and passive aggressive.  While the label promised an un-oaked fermentation, I immediately tasted the distinct acidity of new, freshly sawed pressure treated decking. The overall mouth feel was thin and slightly slippery, with a premature and moist finish. This wine pairs well with Viagra.

Merlot

Of all the Three Wishes I sampled, this would be my first and only wish. They say there is nothing as powerful as food to provoke a deep memory, and this wine immediately brought me back in time to the family Passover table circa 1985, where at the tender age of 9, I got drunk for the first time on Manischewitz.  This Merlot, if you could call it that (or better, actually prove it) - has a powerfully sweet, oily sheen which then slipped through my esophagus at lightening speed, causing an unwelcome but exhilarating spike in my glucose level. Pairs will with Matzo meal.

Cabernet

Life is a cabernet, old chum - and this one is as over the top as any Broadway show you've ever seen.  Brassy and metallic, unnaturally thick, this wine might actually be composed of actual lipstick and pig.  The texture is quite bumpy, like acne, which was followed by strange and waxy sweetness, reminiscent of antifreeze.  If you should stumble upon a fourth wish, I'd recommend "the anecdote." Pair with Fresca.

Overall Score: 5 stars

PROS:

• With millions of Americans out of work and clinically depressed, we love the price point and feel-good factor of being able to afford shopping at Wholefoods
• Eco-friendly packaging, however insignificant, instantly reduces upper middle class white guilt
• Composite cork alternative nearly impossible to re-install, inviting the drinker to keep on keepin' on

CONS:

• Increased risk of early onset Type II diabetes
• Sometimes hard to find Fresca for pairing with Cabernet
• Recycling all those bottles from the case is a pain; a box version would be easier, and more eco-friendlier. 

Excelsior 2009 Shiraz

Abstract:

The back label from this South African Shiraz promises a vintage grown on the former grounds of champion thoroughbred horses, carefully harvested by the De Wets family since 1697.  For just $10.99, you can experience a proud winemaking tradition and enjoy

"bold plum, chocolate and spicy aromas, followed by a pallet bursting with cherry and smoked meat flavours.  This wine is the perfect match for barbequed meat, or strongly flavored Mediterranean dishes."

Finding This Wine:

I chose this wine because I needed to drink something during workday hours and didn't have a bottle opener on hand.  I found this 2009 Shiraz at my local small town package store, where it was overpriced by at least two dollars but just expensive enough to make their debit card minimum purchase requirement. 

Tasting Notes:

This wine presents as uniformly and deeply red, with no evidence of whiteness.  Fans of racial purity would agree that this wine exhibits no trace of grape miscegenation.  The wine was not allowed to breathe deeply, and at first sniff emitted charming oak and cherry notes reminicint of an upscale furniture store.  Sippage gave first a tingly alcohol feeling, followed by the unmistakably tart note of diesel fuel additive.  Finally, the wine finishes with the promised terrior du manure of the soil of champion horses - musky, grassy, and pleasantly poopy. 

Pairs well with:

This wine is meant to be consumed alone.  Sharing with friends or family is for another wine. We did
not test this wine with any skewered meats and strongly or weakly flavored Mediterranean foods. 

Overall Score: 3 stars

PROS:

• Easy to open and close, no stuffing unwieldy plastic cork into bottle opening afterwards
• Debit card ready-purchasing power
• Great random backstory on the label about the champion horses-cum-vinyard soil

CONS

• A more sophisticated palette would miss the grass and poop notes
• Discerning readers of the label might be put off by the notion that the De Wets have been at this since 1697, in a country whose economy was built and sustained on slave labor and legally enforced racism until very recently
• Typical sinus pain the following morning